Des Chagrins
by AtheneMiranda
Summary: Introspecting angstily on the most miserable snowdrops in the cosmos...it could only be Vanyel...


**A.N.** I don't know where this fic came from. It just fell out at godawful o'clock one Tuesday when I was trying to write something else, and I don't know quite how to feel about it. It's too weird, I'm not normally sensetive about these fics. But here goes anyway.

Angst Alert! And copious quantities of shounen-ai (duh, which forum is this???). No, he's NOT mine, and I'm frankly GLAD because he's one hell of a whinger...

Dedicated to Sechat. I was trying to copy your perfect perfect introspection style, *wince*... thanks for being such an inspiration.

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The snow's melting. I've felt it for about a week, but now I can see it, the white blanket slowly creeping its way back under the trees, the sun arcing higher every morning, the little green shoots - all the signs of springtime shining out from the forest. It makes me think of you.

It's the snowdrops, of all the ridiculous things. Little white petals timidly parting, faces down, shy of the honour of being the first flowers of the new year. I always love this sight, always have done, the way life asserts its victory over another winter, but it makes me want to weep. We never saw spring together, you and I. We never walked together over dull ground, brushing the snowdrops in fond welcome with affectionate toes, hand in hand through the woodlands. It's heartbreaking, and it shouldn't be. Heaven knows, I want all my thoughts of you to be happy ones, but when the snowdrops come though all I can think of is _One day…_

I think of you often. You're like some beacon, or magnet - as soon as it's unoccupied my mind turns to you of its own volition. I can't help it. It's become both easier and more whimsical over the years. At first those thoughts were all bitter and shamed and full of yearning, always wanting things that couldn't be. I wanted to be with you, forever and longer, holding you through everything that would come, and my own stupid arrogance had trapped me in this tiny green cage. I wanted you to be with me, and I cursed the gods who wouldn't allow such a thing, then damned myself for ever wishing on you, you, the terrible pain that had brought me here. But in those little hours on moonless nights when I needed to sense you, when I stretched myself out to you, and all I could feel of you was tears, I just wanted to turn it all back. There was too much we never did, never said - I wanted to tell you I was sorry. I never gave you enough of myself. I hurt you too often, too many hard words and silly tantrums, and you never resented it, never snapped back no matter what I said; you just knew. You just understood who I was and how badly I needed you. I don't know why you wanted me. I was just another complication in your already fraught life. I never supported you the way you supported me.

I never even told you how I really felt about you. If only I still could_…One day…_ I hope you knew I loved you, all those months when I never once said it - gods, you were so eloquent, always finding the right time and the right words to let me know I still meant something to someone. I never could. I didn't know how to tell you. You always said it just when I needed to hear it, I wanted to do that, to give you that incredible warm feeling I got from knowing that you really, truly loved me. But I was too afraid of getting it wrong. What if you didn't understand. What if I couldn't make it sound like I meant it?

You knew anyway. Older, wiser, further away, I can see that you always knew and never doubted me simply because I couldn't say it. If only I had been as sure… I see that now too. If I hadn't had such doubts I would have been able to give you anything and everything I'd ever wanted to _(I think that covers the whole damn planet and well over half of the stars in the sky…)._ But all the little demons in my soul held me away from you; they told me I should never commit myself to a fickle mortal, and not to believe that you had really committed yourself to me. I'm even starting to accept that all the demons are all my own.

I think I was afraid of you. I was more afraid of myself. Not just of telling you - I was afraid of what I felt for you, so strong and fiery it consumed my whole being. Something in me didn't want that; maybe I'd seen my dreams collapse around me too often in the past to ever completely trust my emotions again. I wouldn't let myself give into it, I left my mind in control, and it was colder to you than I ever meant to be.

What is it they say about wisdom? The young who need it never have it, and the old who have it never need it… You must have loved me the same way I loved you. Reason never came into it, it's just a mad flame that burns forever, never wavering through the dark days and empty nights. But you weren't afraid of it, were you? You've always been braver than me, quicker to give, fiercer to fight, bolder or more foolhardy than I could ever be. Caution and senseless fears never chained you.

Even at the end, you didn't hold back. Even shivering in cold and anxiety, you still wanted to say it. That you didn't want to leave me, not ever, and all the while I knew that I might never see your precious face again - That was it for me, the absolute crunch. It could have been the end and if I couldn't say it then you'd never hear it, never, and it came off my lips so bluntly and coarsely it wasn't half of what I meant it to be. It was too late…

But I looked in your eyes then and knew that I'd done it. You felt it. That certainty, that sudden thrill of knowing that everything you'd ever dreamed about what you meant to me was true - that look meant more to me than anything.

I wish I'd told you what I was planning. It might have been easier had you been ready for it. Knowing would have broken your heart, but, well, that happened anyway and I wasn't there to hold you…_One day…_ No, the real reason I never told you was because of my own damned cowardice. I was too sure you'd be able to talk me out of it, or I'd give it all up when I saw you crying. Damnitall, I never wanted to die. I knew it was my duty but I wasn't strong enough. One word from you and I couldn't have gone through with it.

Then again, you knew as well as I did that the world outside needed us. Maybe you'd have seen it, and supported me and prepared me, and savoured what we had left as I was trying to do. It would have meant the world to me if you could have known what was going on behind my eyes. But I was too scared to tell you, and you trusted me far too much to pry. You gave me everything. You never needed secrets, you always shared all your troubles, let me smooth away the hurts - I liked to do that for you. You reminded me I was more than just a machine, both through needing my humanity and by proving to me I still had some left to wrap around your waist and heal your little heart with. I lied to you, _ashke_, lied from deep inside, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to be your soulmate and the demons wouldn't let me…

…But then again, the way you loved me, perhaps you loved the demons too…

I should be glad, really. You somehow chose to give your love to me; no-one else has been so lucky. You turned a year that would have been hell into the best one I ever lived through. I'd never have even got through it without you, and you made me so happy… Like sunshine; you always make me think of sunshine, gentle and warm and full of fire. I needed your optimism. I wish I had it now, shining over the forest to tell me spring will come again. I'll be ready, when it does. I won't hide from you any more. I'll tell you everything, show you all the feelings I couldn't bear to let out - I wonder if you'll still recognise me? I haven't changed much since then, only lost all the unwanted masks.

And you… You grew up. You were very, very young then, a detail I always seem to overlook. You look before you leap these days, and you worry about the things you can't control. And sometimes I can feel you mourning what might have been.

I'm past the darkness now. I can remember what we had now as well as what we lost. And there's a distance between me and the pain… Objective, almost, though how I could ever think of you objectively is beyond me. I watch you, patient and persevering, so determined in your quests but so gentle in your actions. You have a sense of proportion I lacked. It's always the big picture with you; there isn't a petty bone in your body. You're wonderful, everything I wish I could have been. Whistling down the open road and dancing on the silver lining, really living life, not brooding over every little mistake like I did. You smile at life in spite of all it's done to you.

Then, I never saw too far past my own nose, I was too vain. That's why, I suppose, I never understood our togetherness. I wouldn't have lost anything by letting you inside my soul, only gained. It wasn't just you and I…there was an _us_ too, some new spirit that existed of the bond between us. I saw shades of it just sometimes, arcing across from the other side of a bridge table or wrapping round an awkward courtier like a spiderweb. The world, and then…_us_. A sort of unholy coordination between our two wills. Another thing that could have been so mush more than it was.

Regrets. Again. I mustn't think of you in sorrow. You don't deserve it, everything about you should be glowing happiness forever. Gods, I wanted to be part of your happiness. I'm as selfish as ever, I still do, I sit here on the other side of the River wanting your sweet arms again_…One day…_ I can't really blame myself. You're too amazingly irresistible, for one thing, and besides, I know you want me back too… 

It's not easy, being without you. I lose focus, I get caught up and frustrated over every little thing, always worried about the next morning. I've got too little to remind me of the world outside my mind. Carefree isn't worth it, I only make myself unhappy in the end. Another year, gliding in on the edge of the breeze. Another spring without you. I can't turn back time, nor speed it up, so I suppose I have to wait for _One day._ I've never had more to look forward to. Winter can only last for so long.

And Stef…_I still love you…_

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**A.N.** Well? I was thinking; if anyone's interested, I might turn this into a two-shot, reverse the viewpoint... What do you reckon?


End file.
